How to Write a Professional Email #7

Lesson #7 - ALL CAPS DOES NOT MEAN YOU'RE YELLING, IT MEANS YOU'RE ANNOYING

I thought this was about as obvious as the ending to a Disney movie, but here goes: do not ever write your email in ALL CAPS. Maybe you're excited that your daughter had a baby, maybe your house is on fire, or maybe you're really mad that somebody parked in the parking space you always use even though your company doesn't have reserved spaces. Whatever the reason, there is a handy key on your keyboard to deal with it -- and no, I don't mean Caps Lock. It's the exclamation point, and it is usually less annoying.

Exclamation points are relatively simple to use, and with practice you'll even be able to type them with one hand. Trust me, it's simpler than using chopsticks, discounting when you get frustrated and barbarically impale those crunchy water chestnuts. To type one, proceed as follows:

1. Place your left pinky on the shift key and leave it there.
2. If you have short little sausage fingers, proceed to step 5.
3. Rotate your wrist and press the "1" key with your left middle finger.
4. Proceed to step 6.
5. Press the "1" key with your right index finger.
6. Release the shift key.
7. Repeat from step 1 to add emphasis.

If you're wondering if you've overused it, take a listen as you type. Does it sound like your fingers are harmoniously playing a very small plastic drum set, or does it sound like a woodpecker? If the answer is a woodpecker you're typing too many "!" characters, and odds are there are sporadic "1" characters in there too.

Bonus Lesson: Ways to Add Emotion or Sound Without Pissing People Off

If you're not using a blackberry or iPhone, there are other handy substitutes which include the bold font, italics case, and underline. Each has a specific use, and can aid greatly in injecting emotion into your writing. See? I just did it. Twice.

• Bold - Makes a word louder or more pronounced.
• Italics - Adds snarkiness or sarcasm. Can also add feeling.
• Underline - Makes people pay attention to the word, as in "You may not pee in our pool." Sometimes people just don't get it.

Use restraint though and restrict these modifiers to one or two words. Otherwise you just look like you accidentally clicked on the button.